Dropped Like I'm Hot

I've spent the past few months getting to know someone. He initiated it, and while I wasn't looking to introduce anyone new into my life, I found myself interested in this new person. He was intelligent, funny, engaging, sexy, compelling, and attentive. I was honest and upfront about where I was in my life and about my experiences and current state of fragility, and each time that I expressed to him something that I figured would send him running for the hills, he surprised me with tenderness, understanding, and tenacity.

We both recongized this burgeoning relationship as friendship but, at the same time, acknowledged that there may be possibly something more between us yet to be discovered/determined. We were taking things slow and getting to know each other. Neither of us was in a place to make it something more serious. And though not immediately yet admittedly quickly, our interaction certainly became more than platonic.

Over the past three and half months, I gave this person more of my time and attention than anyone else in my life. I do not regret the decision to devote so much of my time to him. I chose to do so of my own volition. Quite simply, I enjoyed our time together and the joy he brought to my life.

Then, a few weeks ago, I needed to understand some things about him to put things in perspective for myself. What started out as what I thought a benign question turned into several days of tense conversation that eventually fragmented and, apparently eroded, our seemingly genuine relationship. Turns out, it wasn't so benign after all.

Perhaps I could've gone about things differently (better); perhaps he could've responded differently (better). Regardless, it doesn't matter who was right or wrong or that either of us were either right or wrong. Eventually, I did come to understand where he was coming from, though in the end, I was accused of being controlling and not being a "friend" by confessing to having certain doubts that motivated my method of inquiry (asking a question without providing context), which was a misguided and hurtful thing to say. For the record, "controlling" is one thing I can confidently say that I am not.

The heartbreaker is that now I've been dropped like I'm hot by someone who was important to me and to whom I thought I was important. So yeah, I'm sad about it. I guess I'll be clumped in with all the other assholes of the world for some reason unknown to me. But I think my biggest disappointment stems from the fact that he put a great deal of emphasis on how poor of friends people really are and how much he valued real, sincere friendship.

The thing is, true friends work through disagreements, miscommunications, and tough times. And I thought that's what we were. I thought that, while our relationship may change in certain ways after that dialogue, it didn't mean that the time we shared together would be a complete and total loss or that we would cease to share ourselves with each other.

I guess I thought wrong. Despite my efforts for a continuum of our friendship, it appears that I've been written off, and I'm not sure why, nor has he offered me any meaningful explanation as to why, a particularly baffling point since he was adamant that I discuss my thoughts/feelings that pertained to him. So here I am - a little confused but also relieved that I know now rather than 6 months or a year later.

Life is full of lessons. And, when it comes to people, I am amazed at how much I continue to learn. Each time I start getting to know someone new, especially when it's more than just platonic, I fool myself into thinking that if I'm honest and communicative I can prevent such breakdowns similar to what recently occurred. So at this point, all I can do is reflect and ask myself what I learned this time around.

So what is it that I've learned?

1) Take note when someone doesn't have meaningful friendships to speak of. (Obviously, this is subjective. Some circumstances dictate certain situations). It is more likely a reflection on them as opposed to the shittiness of the human race.

2) On a related note, consider what it means when a full-fledged argument arises out of something truly trivial. It's probably indicative of bigger interpersonal issues.

3) Proceed cautiously with anyone who speaks frequently about how badly people suck and how selfish they are. Anyone who talks a great deal about selfishness among other people is unlikely to recognize his own acts and aptitude of selfish behavior.

4) Heed it as a warning when someone expresses having issues with trust yet indicts you for admitting to any distrust, no matter how specific your scope of distrust may be.

5) Accept any compliment or notion of regard to be pertinent in the present tense only. They may very well be null and void outside the exact moment they are uttered.

6) When someone seems to lose interest in you (degrees accepted) or you perceive a shift in the way someone engages you, don't try to rationlize possible reasons or tell yourself that it is your imagination. Take it for what it is unless otherwise advised (and only when the advisement is unsolicited) and trust your instincts.

7) It is definitely possible for a person to be logical to a flaw. It is important that someone demonstrate a healthy balance of emotion and logic.

8) Be wary of anyone who wants/expects you to share your thoughts, feelings, and opinions but doesn't reciprocate to a comparable extent.

9) Under no circumstances think that you are special or that someone views you as special or that what you share is unique.

10) (A) Never ignore the red flags no matter how insignificant they may seem, especially in comparison to everything else you think you know about someone. More importantly, if you don't do (A), then do not delude yourself into thinking that (B) if you address the issues that raise the red flags that you have resolved anything.

11) Never project your own willingness to share onto someone else. Just because you are willing to talk about your own thoughts and feelings by no means dictates that you will receive the same openness back (this is a biggie for me and one that I have to keep re-learning).

12) Do not assume that just because you share your experiences, insecurities, or fears that someone will take this information into consideration when it comes to their words and actions towards you. In fact, be prepared to hear in the end that "I never intended for this to be anything..." despite everything you could point out that would indicate otherwise. I'm not saying that things/feelings can't change. They can and do, but that statement has made me well up with tears more than once over the years because it has made me question my own sense of sanity and reality, especially when I know with surety that I provided multiple opportunities for this sentiment to be expressed. Going forward, I will just come to expect it.

And finally,

13) I think I really am a lesbian, because - DUDES.


~ the lady love