I visited my sister this weekend. She birthed a baby recently. His name is Micah. Being with them made me think a lot. I learned something, too - three-month olds cannot sit up on their own. Found that out the hard way. Yeah.
Anyway, I've never really thought that I wanted children - pretty much since I was about 13. And people always give me the whole "oh, you'll change your mind" spiel, which I always acknowledge the slight possibility that, sure, I might change my mind someday, but not likely. It's the only reason I haven't had my tubes tied yet. Fact is, the most compelling thing for me about having a child would be naming it and dressing it. Seriously.
Then this weekend I had that feeling of being wowed by motherhood. It makes me admire and respect my sister so, sooo much, and I completely fall in love with that kid with every smile and coo. It made me contemplate for a quick minute that, if I wanted it, I could have it so easily. I could give life, steward it, give love, have that exclusive relationship between a parent and a child, etc. Man, that would be incredible.
But then the reality of it hits me. I do not have what it takes to be a mother. When you have a child, your life - in every action - becomes about taking care of them. (I know, I'm so very deep. Aren't you glad you have me to enlighten you with such profound thoughts?) Anyway, it's just not something I want to do, and I for damn sure wouldn't go it alone. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to be a single mother. Sure, it might be selfish of me, but who cares? There's no mandate that I have to procreate, and at least I recognize this fact before I spit one out. I also don't feel like being childless will keep me from having a full life experience.
Then it occurred to me: I'm not entirely anti-kid. Should the right person come along, I just might be up for doing the family thing - but with one stipulation, of course. I couldn't be the primary caregiver. I'd have to have myself a Mr. Mom, and I'd be fine with a man who wanted to fulfill that role. I just can't (or won't), but I do feel very strongly about the primary caregiver of my hypothetical child being raised by myself and my partner. I know folks gotta do what they gotta do to provide for their families, but for me, it's how it'd have to be. Call me old-fashioned.
So yeah, I'll probably be a spinster when I grow up, and when I'm old, everyone can gossip about what must've been wrong with me to end up an old maid. Oh well. Such is life. But I'm okay with it.
~ the lady love
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
Dropped Like I'm Hot
I've spent the past few months getting to know someone. He initiated it, and while I wasn't looking to introduce anyone new into my life, I found myself interested in this new person. He was intelligent, funny, engaging, sexy, compelling, and attentive. I was honest and upfront about where I was in my life and about my experiences and current state of fragility, and each time that I expressed to him something that I figured would send him running for the hills, he surprised me with tenderness, understanding, and tenacity.
We both recongized this burgeoning relationship as friendship but, at the same time, acknowledged that there may be possibly something more between us yet to be discovered/determined. We were taking things slow and getting to know each other. Neither of us was in a place to make it something more serious. And though not immediately yet admittedly quickly, our interaction certainly became more than platonic.
Over the past three and half months, I gave this person more of my time and attention than anyone else in my life. I do not regret the decision to devote so much of my time to him. I chose to do so of my own volition. Quite simply, I enjoyed our time together and the joy he brought to my life.
Then, a few weeks ago, I needed to understand some things about him to put things in perspective for myself. What started out as what I thought a benign question turned into several days of tense conversation that eventually fragmented and, apparently eroded, our seemingly genuine relationship. Turns out, it wasn't so benign after all.
Perhaps I could've gone about things differently (better); perhaps he could've responded differently (better). Regardless, it doesn't matter who was right or wrong or that either of us were either right or wrong. Eventually, I did come to understand where he was coming from, though in the end, I was accused of being controlling and not being a "friend" by confessing to having certain doubts that motivated my method of inquiry (asking a question without providing context), which was a misguided and hurtful thing to say. For the record, "controlling" is one thing I can confidently say that I am not.
The heartbreaker is that now I've been dropped like I'm hot by someone who was important to me and to whom I thought I was important. So yeah, I'm sad about it. I guess I'll be clumped in with all the other assholes of the world for some reason unknown to me. But I think my biggest disappointment stems from the fact that he put a great deal of emphasis on how poor of friends people really are and how much he valued real, sincere friendship.
The thing is, true friends work through disagreements, miscommunications, and tough times. And I thought that's what we were. I thought that, while our relationship may change in certain ways after that dialogue, it didn't mean that the time we shared together would be a complete and total loss or that we would cease to share ourselves with each other.
I guess I thought wrong. Despite my efforts for a continuum of our friendship, it appears that I've been written off, and I'm not sure why, nor has he offered me any meaningful explanation as to why, a particularly baffling point since he was adamant that I discuss my thoughts/feelings that pertained to him. So here I am - a little confused but also relieved that I know now rather than 6 months or a year later.
Life is full of lessons. And, when it comes to people, I am amazed at how much I continue to learn. Each time I start getting to know someone new, especially when it's more than just platonic, I fool myself into thinking that if I'm honest and communicative I can prevent such breakdowns similar to what recently occurred. So at this point, all I can do is reflect and ask myself what I learned this time around.
So what is it that I've learned?
1) Take note when someone doesn't have meaningful friendships to speak of. (Obviously, this is subjective. Some circumstances dictate certain situations). It is more likely a reflection on them as opposed to the shittiness of the human race.
2) On a related note, consider what it means when a full-fledged argument arises out of something truly trivial. It's probably indicative of bigger interpersonal issues.
3) Proceed cautiously with anyone who speaks frequently about how badly people suck and how selfish they are. Anyone who talks a great deal about selfishness among other people is unlikely to recognize his own acts and aptitude of selfish behavior.
4) Heed it as a warning when someone expresses having issues with trust yet indicts you for admitting to any distrust, no matter how specific your scope of distrust may be.
5) Accept any compliment or notion of regard to be pertinent in the present tense only. They may very well be null and void outside the exact moment they are uttered.
6) When someone seems to lose interest in you (degrees accepted) or you perceive a shift in the way someone engages you, don't try to rationlize possible reasons or tell yourself that it is your imagination. Take it for what it is unless otherwise advised (and only when the advisement is unsolicited) and trust your instincts.
7) It is definitely possible for a person to be logical to a flaw. It is important that someone demonstrate a healthy balance of emotion and logic.
8) Be wary of anyone who wants/expects you to share your thoughts, feelings, and opinions but doesn't reciprocate to a comparable extent.
9) Under no circumstances think that you are special or that someone views you as special or that what you share is unique.
10) (A) Never ignore the red flags no matter how insignificant they may seem, especially in comparison to everything else you think you know about someone. More importantly, if you don't do (A), then do not delude yourself into thinking that (B) if you address the issues that raise the red flags that you have resolved anything.
11) Never project your own willingness to share onto someone else. Just because you are willing to talk about your own thoughts and feelings by no means dictates that you will receive the same openness back (this is a biggie for me and one that I have to keep re-learning).
12) Do not assume that just because you share your experiences, insecurities, or fears that someone will take this information into consideration when it comes to their words and actions towards you. In fact, be prepared to hear in the end that "I never intended for this to be anything..." despite everything you could point out that would indicate otherwise. I'm not saying that things/feelings can't change. They can and do, but that statement has made me well up with tears more than once over the years because it has made me question my own sense of sanity and reality, especially when I know with surety that I provided multiple opportunities for this sentiment to be expressed. Going forward, I will just come to expect it.
And finally,
13) I think I really am a lesbian, because - DUDES.
~ the lady love
We both recongized this burgeoning relationship as friendship but, at the same time, acknowledged that there may be possibly something more between us yet to be discovered/determined. We were taking things slow and getting to know each other. Neither of us was in a place to make it something more serious. And though not immediately yet admittedly quickly, our interaction certainly became more than platonic.
Over the past three and half months, I gave this person more of my time and attention than anyone else in my life. I do not regret the decision to devote so much of my time to him. I chose to do so of my own volition. Quite simply, I enjoyed our time together and the joy he brought to my life.
Then, a few weeks ago, I needed to understand some things about him to put things in perspective for myself. What started out as what I thought a benign question turned into several days of tense conversation that eventually fragmented and, apparently eroded, our seemingly genuine relationship. Turns out, it wasn't so benign after all.
Perhaps I could've gone about things differently (better); perhaps he could've responded differently (better). Regardless, it doesn't matter who was right or wrong or that either of us were either right or wrong. Eventually, I did come to understand where he was coming from, though in the end, I was accused of being controlling and not being a "friend" by confessing to having certain doubts that motivated my method of inquiry (asking a question without providing context), which was a misguided and hurtful thing to say. For the record, "controlling" is one thing I can confidently say that I am not.
The heartbreaker is that now I've been dropped like I'm hot by someone who was important to me and to whom I thought I was important. So yeah, I'm sad about it. I guess I'll be clumped in with all the other assholes of the world for some reason unknown to me. But I think my biggest disappointment stems from the fact that he put a great deal of emphasis on how poor of friends people really are and how much he valued real, sincere friendship.
The thing is, true friends work through disagreements, miscommunications, and tough times. And I thought that's what we were. I thought that, while our relationship may change in certain ways after that dialogue, it didn't mean that the time we shared together would be a complete and total loss or that we would cease to share ourselves with each other.
I guess I thought wrong. Despite my efforts for a continuum of our friendship, it appears that I've been written off, and I'm not sure why, nor has he offered me any meaningful explanation as to why, a particularly baffling point since he was adamant that I discuss my thoughts/feelings that pertained to him. So here I am - a little confused but also relieved that I know now rather than 6 months or a year later.
Life is full of lessons. And, when it comes to people, I am amazed at how much I continue to learn. Each time I start getting to know someone new, especially when it's more than just platonic, I fool myself into thinking that if I'm honest and communicative I can prevent such breakdowns similar to what recently occurred. So at this point, all I can do is reflect and ask myself what I learned this time around.
So what is it that I've learned?
1) Take note when someone doesn't have meaningful friendships to speak of. (Obviously, this is subjective. Some circumstances dictate certain situations). It is more likely a reflection on them as opposed to the shittiness of the human race.
2) On a related note, consider what it means when a full-fledged argument arises out of something truly trivial. It's probably indicative of bigger interpersonal issues.
3) Proceed cautiously with anyone who speaks frequently about how badly people suck and how selfish they are. Anyone who talks a great deal about selfishness among other people is unlikely to recognize his own acts and aptitude of selfish behavior.
4) Heed it as a warning when someone expresses having issues with trust yet indicts you for admitting to any distrust, no matter how specific your scope of distrust may be.
5) Accept any compliment or notion of regard to be pertinent in the present tense only. They may very well be null and void outside the exact moment they are uttered.
6) When someone seems to lose interest in you (degrees accepted) or you perceive a shift in the way someone engages you, don't try to rationlize possible reasons or tell yourself that it is your imagination. Take it for what it is unless otherwise advised (and only when the advisement is unsolicited) and trust your instincts.
7) It is definitely possible for a person to be logical to a flaw. It is important that someone demonstrate a healthy balance of emotion and logic.
8) Be wary of anyone who wants/expects you to share your thoughts, feelings, and opinions but doesn't reciprocate to a comparable extent.
9) Under no circumstances think that you are special or that someone views you as special or that what you share is unique.
10) (A) Never ignore the red flags no matter how insignificant they may seem, especially in comparison to everything else you think you know about someone. More importantly, if you don't do (A), then do not delude yourself into thinking that (B) if you address the issues that raise the red flags that you have resolved anything.
11) Never project your own willingness to share onto someone else. Just because you are willing to talk about your own thoughts and feelings by no means dictates that you will receive the same openness back (this is a biggie for me and one that I have to keep re-learning).
12) Do not assume that just because you share your experiences, insecurities, or fears that someone will take this information into consideration when it comes to their words and actions towards you. In fact, be prepared to hear in the end that "I never intended for this to be anything..." despite everything you could point out that would indicate otherwise. I'm not saying that things/feelings can't change. They can and do, but that statement has made me well up with tears more than once over the years because it has made me question my own sense of sanity and reality, especially when I know with surety that I provided multiple opportunities for this sentiment to be expressed. Going forward, I will just come to expect it.
And finally,
13) I think I really am a lesbian, because - DUDES.
~ the lady love
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Four Times Harder
Part 1
Oh oh my my my
My man's up all night
Works me till I moan
Drives me out of my mind
Why it's so hard
Must be made out of cold steel
Why it's so hard
He's a man running my wheel
Just keep me burning
Just keeps me yearning
Put my whole body on fire
Burning whole body desire
Why it's so hard
Yeah taking me over
Why it's so hard
My cold steel soldier
Harder
Harder
Harder
Oh oh make me beg
Eats meat in my bed
Works me till I'm done
Mad dog can sure hunt
Why it's so hard
Must be made out of cold steel
Why it's so hard
C'mon Daddy drive my wheel
Harder
Harder
Harder
Why it's so hard
Money made out of cold steel
Why it's so hard
He's a turning my wheel
Harder
Harder
Harder
Yeah
(PJ Harvey)
-----
Part 2
Why'd you have to go and mess up something so fucking cool by making it harder than it had to be? I think you might even be kinda manipulative, but I hope I'm wrong.
-----
Part 3
I just watched the cats give each other a tongue bath. It was very homoerotic. I think I even heard one of them mew "harder".
-----
Part 4
One of my best buddies just migrated to Atlanta from DC after finishing up law school. Today at lunch she said two hilarious things. The first was that in 13 years she had never known me to be wrong about anything. Sweet of her to say how ever misguided it may have been. I laughed hard.
The second was that DC is full of people who were their class presidents and that everybody there drives like they are "The Shit". I laughed harder.
~ the lady love
Oh oh my my my
My man's up all night
Works me till I moan
Drives me out of my mind
Why it's so hard
Must be made out of cold steel
Why it's so hard
He's a man running my wheel
Just keep me burning
Just keeps me yearning
Put my whole body on fire
Burning whole body desire
Why it's so hard
Yeah taking me over
Why it's so hard
My cold steel soldier
Harder
Harder
Harder
Oh oh make me beg
Eats meat in my bed
Works me till I'm done
Mad dog can sure hunt
Why it's so hard
Must be made out of cold steel
Why it's so hard
C'mon Daddy drive my wheel
Harder
Harder
Harder
Why it's so hard
Money made out of cold steel
Why it's so hard
He's a turning my wheel
Harder
Harder
Harder
Yeah
(PJ Harvey)
-----
Part 2
Why'd you have to go and mess up something so fucking cool by making it harder than it had to be? I think you might even be kinda manipulative, but I hope I'm wrong.
-----
Part 3
I just watched the cats give each other a tongue bath. It was very homoerotic. I think I even heard one of them mew "harder".
-----
Part 4
One of my best buddies just migrated to Atlanta from DC after finishing up law school. Today at lunch she said two hilarious things. The first was that in 13 years she had never known me to be wrong about anything. Sweet of her to say how ever misguided it may have been. I laughed hard.
The second was that DC is full of people who were their class presidents and that everybody there drives like they are "The Shit". I laughed harder.
~ the lady love
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Will There Be A Round Two?
My blog turned one year old today. I don't know if that should really matter, but I kinda like the idea of mile markers. See, the thing about mile markers is too many people let the mile markers dicate them: the way you should behave, what you should own and not own, how successful you should be professionally and personally, and the list goes on.
That's all fine if that's the way you choose to live. But I think, too many times, people don't even think about the fact that they even have a choice. Either they lose sight of the option altogether or they have never stopped to ask the question, "Why should I be/do/have anything by a certain age (read: time)."
I choose to not live by those mile markers. Instead, I just use them for what they are: measurements. It's not a bad idea to have a tangible gauge. It helps me to recognize patterns and keeps me from repeating mistakes.
So none of this "I should be married", "I should have kids", "I should be more successful", "I should" "I should" "I should" for me. Fuck that. No, I shouldn't, especially if it's not what I want. For me, it's more like, "Hey, idiot, how long are you gonna waste time on X" or "I want to work towards this in the next year" or "I really need to take care of this. It's been two years."
As for my blog, what does a year mean to me? It means that when I look back at the things I want my life to be about, I am actually doing it and have been for a year. Sometimes it's easy for me to not think of my blog as "writing", like if I say, "I really want to write more." And I just realized that I'm actually do it. Who cares if it's some measley and commonplace internet self publishing. I'm doing it.
Sure, it's all over place. Unfocused. Self indulgent. It's me. And now I'm finally getting around to my original intent of a post:
I watched a documentary on child pageants a few years ago. This one trashy Florida woman used her kid as a barbie doll. Poor kid's gonna be really screwed up. Aside from that I found something hilarious that I've never forgotten.
The woman takes her kid to Alabama to these two flaming queens' estate where they run a business training girls to win beauty pageants. They had three little winners of their own, kinda like their testimonals. Anyway, when the woman pulls up to their place, she just creams herself - the shallow, shallow, lustful hag that she is. And her measure of their wealth and success was captured in this one statement:
"Oh my god. This is soooo nice. Look, not one pine tree."
I didn't even know there was anything wrong with pine trees.
~the lady love
That's all fine if that's the way you choose to live. But I think, too many times, people don't even think about the fact that they even have a choice. Either they lose sight of the option altogether or they have never stopped to ask the question, "Why should I be/do/have anything by a certain age (read: time)."
I choose to not live by those mile markers. Instead, I just use them for what they are: measurements. It's not a bad idea to have a tangible gauge. It helps me to recognize patterns and keeps me from repeating mistakes.
So none of this "I should be married", "I should have kids", "I should be more successful", "I should" "I should" "I should" for me. Fuck that. No, I shouldn't, especially if it's not what I want. For me, it's more like, "Hey, idiot, how long are you gonna waste time on X" or "I want to work towards this in the next year" or "I really need to take care of this. It's been two years."
As for my blog, what does a year mean to me? It means that when I look back at the things I want my life to be about, I am actually doing it and have been for a year. Sometimes it's easy for me to not think of my blog as "writing", like if I say, "I really want to write more." And I just realized that I'm actually do it. Who cares if it's some measley and commonplace internet self publishing. I'm doing it.
Sure, it's all over place. Unfocused. Self indulgent. It's me. And now I'm finally getting around to my original intent of a post:
I watched a documentary on child pageants a few years ago. This one trashy Florida woman used her kid as a barbie doll. Poor kid's gonna be really screwed up. Aside from that I found something hilarious that I've never forgotten.
The woman takes her kid to Alabama to these two flaming queens' estate where they run a business training girls to win beauty pageants. They had three little winners of their own, kinda like their testimonals. Anyway, when the woman pulls up to their place, she just creams herself - the shallow, shallow, lustful hag that she is. And her measure of their wealth and success was captured in this one statement:
"Oh my god. This is soooo nice. Look, not one pine tree."
I didn't even know there was anything wrong with pine trees.
~the lady love
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