As I grow older, I have realized that I am less tolerant and less patient, and I want fewer ties to hold me down. Before, I never wanted to own property; now I don't even want a lease in my name. Before, there were things - like say, a set of lovely curtains or bookmaking materials - that I held onto. I thought, "I may use this again someday" or "But I love them." Now I look at my possessions and think, "What can I get rid of that I don't need?
That's why I hate grocery store club cards. I mean, I get it from a marketing/business perspective. Creating customer loyalty keeps them competitive with other stores by offering a club card of their own - not to mention keeping their brand visible by positioning it on everybody's keyring. What annoys me about it is that I just want to go to the grocery store, and usually that store is whichever one is in my vicinity when I think, "Oh yeah, I need stop at the store." Next thing I know I've got three different grocery store cards cluttering up my wallet. Oh well. That's life. I'm a slave to the man.
It's kind of sad for me to admit that part of feeling tied down comes from the repetitive motion of life. I clean my house on Friday and by the next Friday I have to clean it again. Every April I file taxes (or do I?) and register my car. Laundry is a constant. And every April I add a year to my age, but the day-to-day duties to live in this world are the same. The cycle of life becomes tedious, and I become bored, so I look for ways to break free from the things that require me to live by somebody else's rules: the government's, Kroger's, the landlord's, or my dirty underwear's.
It's not just things. It's people, too. I know this will sound entirely arrogant, but I'm just gonna say it: I'm popular. And that's nice. I think I appreciate popularity more since I spent my first 18 years feeling alienated, misunderstood, and lonely... feeling like I just never fit in. Always being told I was such a pretty girl but never having a boyfriend. Looking back on it now, I realize that most of my discontented formative years were my own fault for heightened expectations of self and self-imposed thoughts of not being good enough. Man, I could've had so much more fun had I gotten that stick out of my ass.
To have people appreciate, value, and enjoy my individuality as an adult is gratifying and affirming. On the flip side, I have found myself, from time to time, being tied to people that I really just... don't entirely enjoy or who take more than they give. It's not that I don't like them; I just don't have enough time or energy to give them. So over the past year, I've untangled myself from several of these ties as well.
Cultivating and maintaining meaningful relationships is an active and mutual endeavor, and at this point in my life, I'm operating at near capacity. So it's rare for someone new to come along who inspires me to give them my time, but sometimes they do. They breathe new life into me, and they make the mundane not feel so bothersome or tedious. They inspire me to create ties with them, not look for ways to shed them.
The most surprising thing about the new people I welcome into my life is their willingness to give as much as they take. It's not just about them, and over the years I've learned that - even with some really good people - it usually is more about them. I mean, let's face it: people are selfish. Self absorbed. Whatever. And I'll be the first to admit that I am, too. Why wouldn't I be? It's my life to live, so doesn't it make sense to, in general, think about myself first?
But there are varying degrees of selfishness. I've encountered all kinds. So when I meet someone who enjoys sharing or giving to me and wants nothing more than mutuality in return, it resonates with me because I'm not used to it. It blows me away, actually. And I've always got time for people like that, and just maybe if I'm lucky, they've got time for me.
~ the lady love
No comments:
Post a Comment