I would like to offer a complete and utter retraction of the following letter sent in January 2005 to somebody who didn't deserve it then and now realize never deserved me at all.
Dear John ~
I'm glad that you said what I finally needed to hear. It pierced me like a thousand daggers, but I can handle the truth much better than half truths, which swirl in my head like mad confusion. Until today I wasn't able to let go of the hope that you could see me the way I saw you.
My eyes brighter. My smile bigger. My cold nights warmer. My step lighter. My body electric. Before you came, they already were. Bright. Big. Warm. Light. Electric. You gave me life superlative. Thank you.
Love goes wrong. Life goes on. Alliteration abounds. Notice how a cycle is round? I got while the getting was good. But too bad so sad. The getting was never meant to be had.
Im damaged for sure, but not for good. It's hearbreaking that you didn't want what I wanted to give. But please hold on to it. It was meant for you. But until I can stop mourning the loss of what it could've been, I can't appreciate it for what it was. It may take sixty seven years. Right now sixty seven lifetimes may not even be enough.
I saw angry oceans to charter. Mountains to marvel. Laughter to stir belly aches. Conversations to brandish headaches. Tears to drown heartaches. Big skies and dirt roads tucked behind billows of our dust.
I caught a glimpse. It was lovely.
I hope you can learn to love yourself as much as you deserve to. As much as I do. Maybe then you'll be able to embrace it when it comes to you from the outside. It doesn't make life. It just makes life sweeter.
~ love
Monday, August 15, 2005
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Inquiring Minds Want To Know
I get asked a certain question A Lot. People have a hard time discerning whether I'm straight or gay. When it comes to my sexuality, I guess there's a big dangling question mark hanging over my head. The question mark does not belong to me; it belongs to them. I know what I am.
The question doesn't bother me, you know, whether I'm straight or gay. I could sling pretentious with the "why does it matter to you what my sexuality is" attitude, which in a way, I believe it shouldn't matter to anyone else unless he or she is trying to get into my pants. Ideally, yeah, it would be nice to live in a world where we don't label each other, because most of us don't fit snugly into any one box anyway. But I understand the need for people to do it - to want to figure me out by conveniently placing me into a category they're comfortable with. Once people think they understand you, then they don't have to fear you. And instead of being irritated, I look at it as an opportunity to break down the pre-often-mis-conceptions. It only really starts to bug me when people can't eventually shed the labels and see me as just a person.
Case in point: my former roommate Elle. At the time I lived with Elle, I was in a relationship with a woman. Without fail, Elle would refer to me as her "lesbian roommate Leah". That's how she would even introduce me to her friends and acquaintances. "This is my lesbian roommate Leah." God, that used to make me so mad. I was being instantly defined by the fact that my private, sexual relationship was with a woman. Like my sexuality was my identity. Hardly.
For a long time, it perplexed me why the question seemed to bubble out of people's mouths so quickly upon meeting me. But I know why now. I'm quite feminine, so people at first think "straight". But, I speak my mind. I don't hold back. I don't need the attention of a man to affirm me. So when I don't act as expected, people think "not straight?" Hmmm. And that's when the questions start to roll.
So how do I answer it?
Sometimes I simply go with "both".
I am sexual. I can be turned on by a man or a woman. I don't get wrapped up in the packaging. Sex is sex. Sex is pleasure. And if sex were purely for procreation, then we wouldn't do it for recreation.
Sure, sex is definitely different between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman - in more ways than one. But ultimately, a man can give me an orgasm, and so can a woman. They both have. So does that make me straight or gay? I guess it makes me both. Ultimately, our sexuality is literally defined by sex. Who we have it with (even if we're just having it in our minds). But sex doesn't define intimacy nor does it define love. Strangely, though, it seems to enhance both intimacy and love, with both a man and a woman.
When I was with Her for five years, I never wished she was a man. I never felt guilty or ashamed or unsure. It just felt right. And at the time, I could have been with her for as far as I could see. When she walked into that room for the very first time, not even knowing her name, I knew she did it for me. Whatever 'it' was; she did it. And she kept on doing it the more I got to know her, until I Really got to Know Her. Then she did it for another five years. Then we grew apart just like people do sometimes.
After Her, there were other hims and hers, perhaps a few more hims than hers. But never any Hims or Hers, except maybe one who really wasn't.
So there's usually a followup question. Which do I prefer? Men or women?
I prefer both. But if we're gonna split hairs, then men. I just do. I am more immediately physically sexually chemically attracted to men. For me, there's something about the idea of two people mutually experiencing the act and pleasure of sex exactly at the same time. Meaning, the most basic physical pleasure that is being given is being directly received back as the most basic physical pleasure. But fucking is where it's at for me. It's what I like most about sex, though it's not the only thing I like. Of course, I've had some women fuck me better than some men.
But that's sex. When it comes to intimacy and love, I don't know if I'll ever have with a man what I know I can have with a woman, with hot sex to boot. I'm open to it, but I really don't think it's possible. Men and women are just too different. When I was about 16 or 17, I remember telling my mother once - we were in the car - that I knew what I wanted in a man. I told her I wanted a man who thought like a woman. She simply replied that if I ever found him he'd be gay. Ha.
Unexpectedly, I thought that I had it last year with a man. That is, sex, love, and intimacy. Turns out I was wrong. He was a man, with all his man thinking and man ways.
But it's not just sex, either, that attracts me to men more readily than women. A big part of it is how I like for sex to make me feel. I am a very strong person. I am often looked to professionally, socially and personally as a person of power. A person to get things done. A person with the right answers. A person to turn to. A person to depend on. But part of who I am is also a very feminine person. A woman who likes to feel the weight of a man on her. A woman who likes to be enveloped by a man's body. A woman who likes to feel soft because there's somebody bigger and stronger than she is. It's not really so much about dominance and submission as it is more about femininity and masculinity. I like to Feel like a Woman. And as a woman who is six feet tall, let me tell you that I have never felt like that with another woman simply due of my sheer physical stature. I don't care who she is.
But if I am with a woman, it never has been or never will be because I'm settling for something less than what I want because I can't have it with a man. No. On the contrary, I am with her because she gives me more than what I can have with a man. Sex included.
So am I straight or gay? I guess it depends on the day. Or the woman.
~the lady love
The question doesn't bother me, you know, whether I'm straight or gay. I could sling pretentious with the "why does it matter to you what my sexuality is" attitude, which in a way, I believe it shouldn't matter to anyone else unless he or she is trying to get into my pants. Ideally, yeah, it would be nice to live in a world where we don't label each other, because most of us don't fit snugly into any one box anyway. But I understand the need for people to do it - to want to figure me out by conveniently placing me into a category they're comfortable with. Once people think they understand you, then they don't have to fear you. And instead of being irritated, I look at it as an opportunity to break down the pre-often-mis-conceptions. It only really starts to bug me when people can't eventually shed the labels and see me as just a person.
Case in point: my former roommate Elle. At the time I lived with Elle, I was in a relationship with a woman. Without fail, Elle would refer to me as her "lesbian roommate Leah". That's how she would even introduce me to her friends and acquaintances. "This is my lesbian roommate Leah." God, that used to make me so mad. I was being instantly defined by the fact that my private, sexual relationship was with a woman. Like my sexuality was my identity. Hardly.
For a long time, it perplexed me why the question seemed to bubble out of people's mouths so quickly upon meeting me. But I know why now. I'm quite feminine, so people at first think "straight". But, I speak my mind. I don't hold back. I don't need the attention of a man to affirm me. So when I don't act as expected, people think "not straight?" Hmmm. And that's when the questions start to roll.
So how do I answer it?
Sometimes I simply go with "both".
I am sexual. I can be turned on by a man or a woman. I don't get wrapped up in the packaging. Sex is sex. Sex is pleasure. And if sex were purely for procreation, then we wouldn't do it for recreation.
Sure, sex is definitely different between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman - in more ways than one. But ultimately, a man can give me an orgasm, and so can a woman. They both have. So does that make me straight or gay? I guess it makes me both. Ultimately, our sexuality is literally defined by sex. Who we have it with (even if we're just having it in our minds). But sex doesn't define intimacy nor does it define love. Strangely, though, it seems to enhance both intimacy and love, with both a man and a woman.
When I was with Her for five years, I never wished she was a man. I never felt guilty or ashamed or unsure. It just felt right. And at the time, I could have been with her for as far as I could see. When she walked into that room for the very first time, not even knowing her name, I knew she did it for me. Whatever 'it' was; she did it. And she kept on doing it the more I got to know her, until I Really got to Know Her. Then she did it for another five years. Then we grew apart just like people do sometimes.
After Her, there were other hims and hers, perhaps a few more hims than hers. But never any Hims or Hers, except maybe one who really wasn't.
So there's usually a followup question. Which do I prefer? Men or women?
I prefer both. But if we're gonna split hairs, then men. I just do. I am more immediately physically sexually chemically attracted to men. For me, there's something about the idea of two people mutually experiencing the act and pleasure of sex exactly at the same time. Meaning, the most basic physical pleasure that is being given is being directly received back as the most basic physical pleasure. But fucking is where it's at for me. It's what I like most about sex, though it's not the only thing I like. Of course, I've had some women fuck me better than some men.
But that's sex. When it comes to intimacy and love, I don't know if I'll ever have with a man what I know I can have with a woman, with hot sex to boot. I'm open to it, but I really don't think it's possible. Men and women are just too different. When I was about 16 or 17, I remember telling my mother once - we were in the car - that I knew what I wanted in a man. I told her I wanted a man who thought like a woman. She simply replied that if I ever found him he'd be gay. Ha.
Unexpectedly, I thought that I had it last year with a man. That is, sex, love, and intimacy. Turns out I was wrong. He was a man, with all his man thinking and man ways.
But it's not just sex, either, that attracts me to men more readily than women. A big part of it is how I like for sex to make me feel. I am a very strong person. I am often looked to professionally, socially and personally as a person of power. A person to get things done. A person with the right answers. A person to turn to. A person to depend on. But part of who I am is also a very feminine person. A woman who likes to feel the weight of a man on her. A woman who likes to be enveloped by a man's body. A woman who likes to feel soft because there's somebody bigger and stronger than she is. It's not really so much about dominance and submission as it is more about femininity and masculinity. I like to Feel like a Woman. And as a woman who is six feet tall, let me tell you that I have never felt like that with another woman simply due of my sheer physical stature. I don't care who she is.
But if I am with a woman, it never has been or never will be because I'm settling for something less than what I want because I can't have it with a man. No. On the contrary, I am with her because she gives me more than what I can have with a man. Sex included.
So am I straight or gay? I guess it depends on the day. Or the woman.
~the lady love
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
The Irony Is...
Saturday night I photographed a circuit party, which was a fundraiser to for a local charity organization. There were about 1200 people there, 1190 of them shirtless gayboys and the other 10 your token straight folk. It was a fantastic party, but I gotta say that I could go the rest of my life without seeing another topless man and be fine.
There's a joke that goes, "How do you recognize two lesbians on their second date? One of them has a u-haul behind her." On the flip side, "How do recognize two gay men on their second date? What second date?" So the funny thing is, whether gay or straight, men are still men. While they were all there to support an excellent cause, it was still an opportunity for them to cruise each other and ogle each other's goods. Men really sick me out. Sorry, but they do, and I'm no prude.
The irony is, I still can't decide if it bothers me more to be in a roomful of men where all they want to do is fuck you or to be in a roomful of men where none of them want to fuck you.
~the lady love
There's a joke that goes, "How do you recognize two lesbians on their second date? One of them has a u-haul behind her." On the flip side, "How do recognize two gay men on their second date? What second date?" So the funny thing is, whether gay or straight, men are still men. While they were all there to support an excellent cause, it was still an opportunity for them to cruise each other and ogle each other's goods. Men really sick me out. Sorry, but they do, and I'm no prude.
The irony is, I still can't decide if it bothers me more to be in a roomful of men where all they want to do is fuck you or to be in a roomful of men where none of them want to fuck you.
~the lady love
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