I Need a Shower.

Thanks to my savvy internet sleuth skills - okay, really my site traffic meter - my readership seems to be on the rise. But it's funny. All of a sudden, I'm a lot more self-conscience about wanting to say something worth reading or at least something that doesn't make me sound quite so pathetic. It's kind of ironic since the whole point behind this here little blog was to not sling contrived. Yet I find myself reading what I write lately and thinking, "I sound so pathetic", so I delete it. Either that, or I sit at my keyboard and strain from verbal constipation. So fuck it. I feel pretty pathetic right now, so why should I pretend like I don't?

1) I am depressed
2) I have never fully recovered from a broken heart last year
3) I have friends all around me yet I still feel lonely
4) I am not taking proper care of myself
5) I do not go out much anymore
6) I am directionless
7) I fantasize about walking away from my life and working in a gas station in Wyoming, and I've never even been to Wyoming
8) I'm tired of rolling with the punches
9) I feel guilty and self-indulgent whining about it when I know I could have it a lot worse. I mean, there are people in the world who don't even have the luxury of confronting their emotional selves because, by the accident of birth, their lives are about mere survival.
10) I do not feel like this all the time, but the feeling has been growing bigger lately
11) I know that it is not permanent, but it is up to me to fix it
12) I would like to experience a relationship with a man who treats me right. Maybe it would be more accurate to say a man who isn't still a little boy emotionally even though I don't even require much emotional intensity.
13) I am not joyless but there is an underlying constant heavy that I do not portray socially
14) I don't want to be a buzzkill because I'm not too fond of buzzkills myself
15) This is not me
16) But it is me
17) I've been here before
18) I've gotten out of this place before
19) In theory it's nice to not have expecations, but it is much harder in practice if you have standards (of any kind)
20) I hate television but find myself watching anyway
21) 17 out of 20 things on this list start with "I", the other two have "me" in them, and number 19 says "you", but I really mean "me". Number 21 has both "I" and "me" in it.

~ the lady love