...is anybody out there?
I've learned a lot of lessons along the way:
1) I must learn to accept myself, my lot in life. If I'm alive, then I might as well live. It's the only way I won't be miserable, but it feels pretty miserable to have to admit all the ways I fall short of being an ideal woman. I know that might seem self indulgent, but the first step of this process of self acceptance is to not feel guilty about the accident of birth - the random circumstances I was born into. I recognize and am cosmically grateful for my fortunes, but every person's hell is uniquely theirs. And it's not really comparable to anybody else's hell, no matter how charmed or tragic their hell may be. There will always be someone who has it worse than me, but that doesn't make my own problems any less valid. It makes it my reality. And let me just say that facing some of the realities about myself is brutal.
2) Stay away from Trouble. Trouble is bad news. I know how to recognize Trouble almost instantly, though I'm cautiously open to giving Trouble the benefit of the doubt. Trouble wears many masks and comes in many forms, but Trouble always establishes a pattern of behavior early on. Heed the signs and manage and/or preferably terminate as needed. Kill. The. Urge. The most troubling thing about Trouble, however, is the mirror it holds up to me. Do I like what I see?
3) I might not be fighting for literal and physical survival like a lot of people, but it's relative. Not being preoccupied with basic existence opens up a whole new jar of Fucking Sucks.
4) I'm not saying that I'm not freaked out at least a little by it, because I don't really know what happens next. However, I'm pretty at peace with the whole death thing. It's gonna happen just like life happens, so I might as well be fine with it. Sounds morose; perhaps it's just more apathetic. Some might call it depression or another clinical mental illness. Either way, I'm okay with that. Whatever.
5) Moving forward in my life might mean leaving behind people who've been an important part of it for nearly 20 years. Something's gotta change. Like, now. Living with someone who has serious substance abuse issues, a constant need to be validated with male attention, and a tendency to talk in excruciating detail about every aspect of the day-to-day is driving me insane.
I sound very unhappy, huh? I'm really not, though. At least not 75% of the time. And the other 25%? Well, no one but you knows about that.
- the lady love
